Monday, November 15, 2010

Take the First Step

I think it's a widely accepted fact that Yahoo! has become the dumber version of Google. They've added a lot of stuff in recent years to compete with Google (and compensate for the fact that their search engine isn't as productive as Google's search engine) and the website still is popular - heck, I still use it for Sports and Movies. Despite this, or maybe because of it, I decided to use the horoscopes on their site. I thought they might be fun and a little on the fluffy side. And in a way, they sort of are. Each horoscope is preceded by a "Quickie," I guess for those people who don't have time to read two sentences? "I'm supposed to read all this AND drink my morning coffee? Too much. Give me one that I can tweet so my 15 followers can read it too!" I will not be using the "Quickies" because I think that the idea of them is kinda dumb, but then again, this is Yahoo we're talking about.

Virgo: It's a really good day for flexibility, especially since so many of those around you are sure to be unsure of themselves. If you trash their opinions, you might also accidentally trash your relationships.

I'm actually not very good at this. It's not like I MEAN to "trash" people's opinions, I just kinda get carried away in conversations. And I'm pretty protective of my own opinions, so I defend them pretty heavily. So, apparently, I should be more careful in what I say. HOWEVER, I am given the slight loophole that I "might" accidentally trash the relationship. That doesn't mean that it's a definite. So for those of you around me that are unsure of yourself: I might act a little nicer to you but I'm not going to cut you that much slack.

I wish I would have read this earlier. I would have done some yoga before work.

You and an enemy actually share at least one common goal, so it may be a good time to rethink your attitude toward alliances. You should see about getting them to let their guard down -- but you go first!

I honestly think this is one of the first times that my Taurus and I have been told basically the same thing : Take the first step in being nice to people! So I guess that's a good thing. Except that the Tauruses are kind of being commanded to do it - and make more friends in the process - while us Virgos are just kind of being gently nudged in that direction.

So uh...that's the take-away I guess. We should be more receptive to those namby-pamby folks who we typically either don't give much adherence to or consider an adversary. Weak-willed villains of the world: I have a hug and a listening ear to give you!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Stabilizing Vs Changing

Back from a vacation in Charleston, I'm feeling freshly motivated (and feeling awesomely peppy thanks to Cee Lo Green's new song, "Fuck You") and I've also decided to try out a new horoscope website, This is why I like horoscope sites, so far, they're very blunt in their URLs. Now, is a little more involved than, it seems to take itself a lot more seriously. And it's drawings of the signs are pretty damn creepy.
(On the left, the sign for Virgo from Horoscopes.Com, on the right, one from

So perhaps is geared more towards those that enjoy delving into their astrological signs more so than the average person (how this explains their "Cast A Spell!" and "Rub Buddha's Belly" games, I have no idea). However, despite my (desired) superficial attitude towards horoscopes, I'm still going to use them this time.

Virgo: There may be some tension today as you try to stabilize your emotions, Virgo. There could be a force at work out there that's rather impersonal and detached. More than likely, this force doesn't relate as much to how you feel as it does to how well you've done the job. Stick to your tasks in a practical, grounded manner.

So far the only tension I've felt today is my guilt over watching the Daily Show instead of doing dishes. Nevertheless, I can't help but relate this to my current job search (which has mostly consisted of me goofing around on Craigslist and trying ever so hard to avoid the m4m Casual Encounters page [a distraction that apparently no longer exists]) that at times seems full with promise. So I suppose, in a way, I'm still getting the same advice that they (those ever-present, all knowing, planets and stars) seem to always give me, no matter what verbage they use: Keep on doing what you're doing! All I have to do is...uh....stabilize my emotions....which apparently means to not get too excited or depressed about something and stick to my tasks without getting too haughty about it (as long as I get that precious gold star at the end). Truly, truly insightful. For now though, I'm going to sit on my ass, eat tortellini, and scour craigslist.

Feel free to take care of any restructuring in your life that needs to be done now, Taurus. Change may be a bit scary at first, but realize that it's a necessary variable in order to make progress. You may not have to change your focus or destination too much, but it's possible that you'll need to adjust your course to get there.

As always, Tauruses (Taurusii?) are being told that there's something inherently wrong with them that needs to be changed. "You're just not QUITE there yet, but with a little more here and there you can truly begin to progress!" Yes that's right, there's something wrong with you, and there's something wrong with the way that you do things. You don't just need to restructure your LIFE, but you need to adjust the course that you're taking. Meaning, perhaps my Taurus should be job-hunting right next to me. Eh? Eh?

(Also, to spare you from horror, I decided not to post the Taurus picture. If you'd really like to imagine it, here's my best description: Anorexic drag queen dressed as Gary Oldman from Dracula and holding a stuffed bull. Lovely, isn't it?)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Build up to a Breakdown

Now, the point of this whole experiment is to examine the oft-hilarious differences between what "the stars" are telling me and what they're telling my Taurus. Typically, the stars tell me how fantastic I am while cautioning my Taurus against such thinking. I was both relieved, and a bit saddened, by our horoscopes for today (once again supplied by

Virgo: Your desire to make progress today is hampered by the reality of the situation — but that’s not to say that you should give up! You can make slow progress if you swallow your pride.

Now, this is not necessarily an atypical horoscope for me. There's still the stars giving me a little nudge in the positive direction. I'm still being told to hustle forward instead of checking myself and re-evaluating what I'm doing. However, it's like the stars are finally realizing that they should probably stop giving me gold stars just for making great coffee everyday and smiling

So now I'm being told to keep my pride in check - which, inadvertently they've no doubt had a hand in inflating. But that doesn't mean that they're not still right behind me like an over-encouraging parent giving me a gentle kick in the pants with the ever-helpful phrase "that doesn't mean you should give up!"

I'm pretty sure the only reason they're acting this way is because they were too busy trying to cheer up the sad, depressed Tauruses:

Taurus: Your financial issues are hurting you more than you think, but the good news is that you've got the mental energy to tackle them in a big way today. Life just gets better as a result.

It's like they realized what downers they've been in the past towards the Tauruses ("Don't trust your impulses," "Listen to other people, they know more than you," "Tread carefully where you're not familiar," etc) that they decided to coddle the horned Eeyores that they'd created.

So that's fine, send some encouragement their way because, as an avid reader of their downtrodden astrological readings, I can tell that they need it. Another day of being beaten down by being told how incompetent they are would have probably resulted in a few offing themselves and the stars don't want that do they? So really it's practically their job to remind the Tauruses that "Life just gets better as a result."

As I've reminded my Taurus though, they probably shouldn't get used to such positivity from the stars. Because it's inevitable that tomorrow they'll be cautioned to take two steps back again.

-The Virgo

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Company You Keep

For the *VERY FIRST POST* on this particular blog of mine, I decided to consult the largest astrology website (well, maybe) the well-named

Before we start into the meatiness of the post though (the horoscopes), I'd like to spell out a few things first. My focus on this blog will be the trends that occur in both my horoscopes and my loving Taurus's horoscope, the differences in those trends, and - most of all - how I can use these differences for comedic value. The idea for this blog came on August 2nd when I happened to read the Taurus our respective horoscopes from the AJC. That particular day her horoscope was "It Is difficult to climb up on a high horse when you are sinking in the mud. You may be challenged if you act like you're above it all." My horoscope was "Breeze past trouble. Look the other way if people are quarrelsome for awhile." We had to chuckle because it seemed like all of our horoscopes followed the template of her being cautioned and me being supported. And so here we are; not just because I want to chronicle these for my own enjoyment, but also because I want to share the enjoyment with others.

Exposition aside, here are the horoscopes for Virgo and Taurus courtesy of

Virgo: Let others brag on your behalf today -- any self-promotion coming from your mouth is sure to be taken with a shaker of salt. That's okay, as you've got enough fans to build up your rep while you rest.

You may be feeling a bit too attached to someone who's not good for you -- or maybe just not as good as the competition! Sometimes loyalty pays off, but for now, you may want to consider switching teams.

Now, on the surface, I'm kind of upset that this astrologer seems to think my girlfriend should "switch teams." However, I'm just going to assume they're referring to friends she may have and let the anger go.

The Funny: While my horoscope makes sure to tell me that the friends I have are awesome and truly adore me, the Taurus's horoscope seems to be pointing her in the direction of acquiring new friends. I have plenty of fans (yes, this is true) and she's attached to people who aren't good for her.

Trends: The constant thread of me being told that what I'm doing is already fantastic and she seriously needs to consider fixing herself.

So that's it for this one, hopefully in the future I'll be able to weave stuff happening in our lives into the horoscopes we're given. No matter what, I'll be sure to make this humorous and interesting for anyone who desires to read it

-The Virgo